Strange infestation

Dear Mr Chips,

I am a bit worried that my lady friend may be suffering from an infestation of womb-bats.  Sometimes when it is quiet I hear a strange rustling noise, like the crumpling of autumn leaves, coming from around her lap, if you know what I mean.  I’ve noticed that she always makes excuses and absents herself from company, no matter what the occasion, just around sunset.  What should I do?

Yours truly,

Bob

Dear Bob,

You gave me a little bit of a fright there, when I first read womb-bat I thought you had written wombat, and given you were talking about the lady’s nether regions, all I could do was meditate on the size of a wombat and shudder in fright.  Then I realised you were speaking of the cryptid womb-bats, those cute tiny little creatures with the big eyes.

The answer is that you should do nothing.  Womb-bats are not spoken of in polite company.  In this more enlightened era, womb-bats are a protected species, and although not endangered, they may not be interfered with.  If the issue overwhelms you, you have some decisions to make.  If you married the lady, you would be seen as part of the animals’ environment.  While that may afford you some benefits, divorce would of course be impossible without breaking a number of environmental protection laws.

Your mate,

My mate Joe Chip

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Dear Sir Chippy,

I have recently started dating an Indian boy.  I have invited him for dinner at my house.  I have not cooked for him before, and I have a dilemma.  I had thought that he was Hindu, but I have now found out that he is Zoroastrian.  What would you suggest I cook?

Bobette

 

Dear Bobette,

I advise that you keep it simple.  A good serving of fire never goes astray.

Your mate, My mate Joe Chip