Nobody likes a smart arse

Dear Joe,

Recently I parked my car in the city.  I saw a sign saying that “any vehicles parked here will be towed away at owner’s expence”.  As you and I both know, there is no such thing as an “expence”, so I knew I was on safe grounds parking there, and I left a note to that effect.  When I returned, my car was missing.  I reported it to the police.  I now suspect that perhaps it was towed by the people who posted the sign, and this despite my note.  What should I do?  I feel like giving them a piece of my mind.

Yours most fashionably,

Charles Pert

Dear Perty,

Bubba will be very happy to take a piece of your mind.  Have you seen the sorts of people who run these things?  Timid little guys don’t go into that business.  They weigh 25 stone and have crowbars sticking out of their back pocket for when they might need to remove a burger from between their two remaining teeth.

Do you go through the Bible looking for loopholes that you think you will be able to argue with God about on Judgement Day?  Spelling mistakes do not void power.  A grammatical error never flummoxed the nazis.  Start loosening up your wallet, Perty, and when you meet Bubba, smile and grovel a lot.  Yes sir, I am a dickhead, Mr Bubba Sir.  Yes, I will be leaving a tip.

Why don’t you ask me something hard?

Chippolata

…

Dear Sir Joseph,

Do you have any handy hints for removing soup stains from underpants?

Tarquin

Dear Tarquin,

I will tell you how to get soup stains out of underpants, the moment you explain how you got soup stains there in the first place.

If you normally nosh in your undies, perhaps you should be more concerned about the burns from the soup than the stain.  Unless of course you were eating cold borscht.  In which case it is going to be a bugger getting the beetroot out.

Purplishly yours,

Mr Chip