Dear good Sir Chip,
A lot of pressure is being put on me by my family to enter an arranged marriage. The girl was picked for me when I was just a child. I am outraged that we are both being treated as possessions. I am an adult in a free country with the ability to make my own choices. I feel I must split from my family. What should I do?
Dear Billy Boy,
Thank you for the great faith you have placed in me by raising this delicate and important question.
I appreciate that you forwarded this question anonymously, but there was enough metadata attached for me to work out your details. I have thoroughly researched the issue, and looked into both you and the young lady.
I have to say, are you nuts? I’ve seen the girls you go out with. You should be glad to hive off your decision making. You should never ever make a choice about this area of your life again. You think Mum and Dad can do any worse than you? Have you looked in a mirror? You ain’t no oil painting (except maybe in the Dorian Gray sense). Have you had a long hard look at your romantic “successes”? (What, both of them? Including the one you paid?) Put your hat in your hand, go home right now, look down at the ground and say in a soft but clear voice “I am very sorry Mummy and Daddy, I have been naughty, may I get married now please?”
And you be very nice to that young lady and just hope that she doesn’t write to me for advice.
I liked the “good Sir Chip” salutation, we might look at making that the standard, by the way. Very good.
With deep sincerity and faithfulness of purpose,
Dear Mr Chips,
I have vegans coming for dinner! HELP!!!
Dear Ms Wrinklehead,
Never fear, I have the recipe for an excellent and nutritious salad here. And for dessert, given them American chocolate. It tastes so bad they’ll think it is a vegan health product.
Joe the Chippiest